smile on my face

i’m just a ball of laughter. hear me laugh. ha ha ha ha ha.

i’m just a bunch of fun.

i’m just an impenetrable fortress of optimism. concrete twenty feet thick all around. concrete made of steel. steel made concrete. concrete-steel. impenetrable, you know. unshakable. invincible. i’m just invincible.

i spent today in another world. or at least the other side of the world. down the street three lights then turn left up the hill. a shell of myself as i poured drinks and took people’s trash, being unselfish for once in my life. doing something not for me. no, don’t give me a cookie. i didn’t do it for cookies or gold stars or gas money. i did it because invincibility required it. pouring ice and taking people’s used lives. i used a language that i hadn’t used in some time. universal movements. no words allowed. point yes, or point no. nod yes, or nod ha ha ha. (see, i’m just a ball of laughter.) but this is pullman washington, and it was achingly clear to me today. pullman washington. they call this place the palouse. some people love it.

i read something once from a traveler. she began her journey in the palouse, waving good-byes and piling all she owned into a little car. she started driving. east and north and then east some more. she said things about the palouse that i wish i could see. i’ve drivin the same roads she has. run the same trails. biked the same hills. but haven’t experienced the same paradise. maybe i have. yes, i’m sure i have. but today i doubt. i wonder if she ever came back.

my fortress is just a cardboard cutout.

and i’m just that guy with a smile drawn on.