last night's chess game: a dialogue of death

-Guys, history is written on days like this. Can you smell that? Just sit back for a moment and soak it all in. This is what it’s all about. Now can you smell it? You know what it is? It’s victory. Today, my loyal friends, I will bring you victory.

-Oh queenie, you need to be careful.

-Yes, queenie, very careful. We don’t know what we’d do without you.

-Yes, queenie, we love you, be careful. But still kill for us. Yes, a careful killer, queenie.

-Uh, I know, duh. Now guys, let’s just hang out awhile and see how things unfold. Not you, pawnies. No, you guys go up ahead and check things out.

(Ha ha ha)

-We’ll be right behind you.

(Ha ha ha)

-And don’t forget to kill if you can. One shot, one kill. Or stab, or suffocate, or however you can finish the job. Just no tickling. You hear me? Absolutely no tickling at all.

-But queenie, we’ll be all alone out there, just like ducks on a pond.

-Ducks on a pond? Oh, you’re being dramatic. Do ducks have the sophisticated weaponry that you do? Huh? Do they? Now go.

-But queenie, we don’t have any such weaponry.

-Wa wa wa, someone call the wambulance.

-But queenie, we’re just kinda nervous, that’s all. What will we do without the rest of you?

-Oh don’t worry. We’re much taller than you, so we can see really far. We’ll be keeping an eye on things from back here and if you get in any trouble we’ll be quick to battle.

(Ha ha ha)

-Oh, and pawnies, don’t worry because the bishop will pray for you all.

-Ok, queenie. We trust you, and not just because you look so sexy in that long white gown.

-Stop it, I’m blushing. Seriously, stop it. Now go. Hurry. The evil empire is already on their way over here. I can see them because I’m so tall. Don’t worry, we have your back.

(Ha ha ha)

-Look at those poor guys. Almost like ducks on a pond, huh? Am I right, or am I right? Can I get an amen?

-Stop it queenie, your killing us.

(Ha ha ha)

-Quiet now, fellas, it’s time for my yoga. (Extended awkward silence.) Ok, I’m back. How are things looking?

-Well, my queenie, Sir Knight on the Right has been assassinated.

-What? Why didn’t anyone call me?

-You were doing the locust and we didn’t want to interrupt.

-Oops, Bishop Left-wing just died.

-And the pawnies?

-Down to two, queenie.

-Two! Can you really see that from here? Well, what are you guys waiting for? Attack - attack – attack!

-Queenie, watch out.

-For what?

-Lady queenie in black has her eyes on you.

-Can’t anyone jump in front of me to save my life?

-We could, but what about your husband? Isn’t he the one we’re supposed to protect?

-Seriously guys, who is doing most of the work around here? Him or me? I mean, look at him. Just sitting there hiding and taking a step to get behind someone every now and then. What a wimp. Is he really what our kingdom is fighting for? Don’t get me wrong, I love him and all, but gee-wiz, what a pathetic excuse for a king. What ever happened to the good ole days when kings led the charge into battle?

-It’s the insurance companies, queenie. Too many kings were dying and they just -

-Shut up! It was a rhetorical question. I’m just trying to prove a point.

-Excuse me, dear.

-Oh! You startled me, darling.

-Um, I couldn’t help but overhear what you were saying and I think I have the right to defend myself. You see, I am very pro-king-leading-the-charge and all, but I have this bad knee. Remember? It was that softball game a few years ago and I twisted it something awful.

-Sweetheart, are you referring to the time you twisted your knee playing Dance Dance Revolution?

-Uh, no, uh, I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure it was softball. Yep, it was softball, I'm pretty sure. When I was sliding into third with a triple. Sir Knight on the Right was there. He’ll tell you. Someone get Sir Knight on the Right.

-He’s been assassinated, sir.

-Well, it was a great triple anyway. What about George? Wasn’t he playing second-base that night?

-Sir, George is no longer with us either.

-What’s going on around here? Someone please tell me.

-A battle, sir. To the death.

-What death?

-Well, sir…um, until your death.

-Right…well then, what should I do?

-Dear, just go down into that corner and hide. I’ll take care of everything. Like always.

-What was that, my queen darling?

-Oh, nothing. I’m just a little frustrated today. I’m running all over the place and no one else seems to be doing a thing. I know I said I’ll lead us to victory, but gee-wiz, I thought I’d get a little more help.

(Plop)

-Sir, our lovely queen has been assassinated.

-Ok, ok. Tell them we give up. I’ve had enough of this.

-But sir, it’s to the death, remember?

-I know, but I’ve had enough. And it’s getting late. Someone go tell them we surrender. You, Gary, go tell them great job but we’ve had enough.

-Yes, sir.

-Sir, it looks like Gary has just been executed. I guess they didn’t accept your offer.

-Well, then, what was your name again?

-Hubert, sir. Craig Hubert.

-Ew-bear? What kind of name is that?

-Hubert, sir. It's French.

-How do you spell that?

-H-U-B-E-R-T, sir. Like Hubert.

-Then why don't you pronounce it like Hubert?

-I do, sir, but it's French.

-That's what I was afraid of. Ok, Craig, it looks like it’s you and me left. I’ll stick around here and you go raise some hell.

-Good-bye, sir. It’s been a pleasure working for you.

-Right, now go. Go! Run like the wind! -- Ouch, that probably hurt.