must be able to hold breath for a really long time

my dreams have been shattered. absolutely annihilated. spun around by fate like pizza dough, but instead of becoming a tasty pizza the dough was left in a deep freezer until it was rock-hard and then dropped from atop a ten-story building where it burst into a million little pieces.

this is a true story. about me.

i received word today that my dream job is just that: a dream. let’s first be clear what i mean when i say dream job. i don’t think my standards are too high, either. there are only three simple requirements that have to be met for a job to be placed in my dream job category:

1. the job has to be above minimum-wage (anywhere above).
2. the job has to be more than 2 hours/wk but less than 500 hrs/wk.
3. the job must have absolutely nothing to do with the handling of radioactive material.

“hi scott, this is blah blah blah, and i’m just calling to let you know that we have selected the candidates who will advance to the second level of interviews and you are not one of them. it was a tough decision blah blah blah blah blah and good luck in the future.”

if it wasn’t such a pleasant voice mail from maybe the nicest woman i’ve ever heard then i would probably be a bit upset right now.

as we all know, there is only one dream job for each of us. one and only one. (did i mention that the job i’m referring to right now was my dream job? it was the one.) you might be saying, “but your requirements for a dream job seem relatively lenient. surely there is more than one job that falls within those parameters.” ah, but you’re wrong. this was the only one. it was it. didn't you see the italics on the 'the' earlier?

what kind of job was it? i guess it doesn't matter anymore, but in case anyone was wondering, it was a job that met my dream job criteria.

so now i have to regroup and begin my pursuit of plan b, which, of course, is the opening at the neighborhood nuclear reactor facility. they are looking for a radioactive materials technician. but don’t be fooled by the fancy wording. the radioactive materials technician is simply the guy who rotates the barrels of waste so none of it gets stale. basically, the main requirements for this position are:

1. a superhuman immune system
2. ability to hold breath for a ridiculous amount of time

wish me luck. please.